Fun with bacon part 1: not exactly candy

IT'S BACON!

IT’S BACON!

If a blog is called “Candy-Coated Bacon,” you might expect to see something about candy-coating bacon.  Or at least bacon.

Today, I shall not disappoint.

…much.

I bought some bacon at the store.  Found the cheapest stuff that looked like it would still be mostly meat.  Turns out bacon is one of those things you shouldn’t skimp on.  What I got was less “Bacon,” and more “Strips of fat with flecks of bacon in strategic spots.”  Next time, I will buy Turkey bacon.  Some of you may consider this sacrilege, but I can attest that Turkey bacon tastes exactly the same as real bacon, if bacon were made entirely out of strips of meaty goodness with no awkward chunks of fat that always stay nasty and chewy.  Turkey bacon is all meat, no fat.  All the good stuff, none of the waste.  Which means it’s also a better price than pretty much any kind of pork bacon.  Cooking bacon is easy.  I looked it up online the first time I tried, but it’s not really the sort of thing you look up online.  You put strips of bacon in a hot pan and let them make that satisfying sizzling noise for a minute or two, flip them once or twice until they turn into little crinkly ribbons of awesome-flavored meat, and then remove them.

Pancake... er funnel cake mix!

Pancake… er funnel cake mix!

I looked up a recipe for funnel-cake mix on the internet, and it was basically just pancake batter, so we mixed up some pancake batter.  Funnel cakes are surprisingly easy to make, and now you and I no longer need to go to the state fair to get some funnel-cake goodness.  Perhaps mix up your pancake mix a bit more watery than usual, so that it’ll flow better, then you pour it through a funnel into a deep-fryer.  If you don’t have a deep-fryer, fill a saucepan with cooking oil and put it on the stove.  Be careful, because the oil will heat up to around 300 degrees, but it won’t boil.  You know it’s ready once you can drop a piece of pancake mix in and it starts bubbling and floating fiercely.  They’re a little bland without the customary sprinkling of powdered sugar, but dipped in maple syrup they taste downright amazing.

Both portions of the experiment tested, I moved on to the next stage:

I took some of that bacon I fried up earlier and dipped it in pancake mix.  There’s really no wrong way to do this.  You can kind of splatter it and have bits of bacon visible through the batter, or you can coat the thing completely for a little morsel of tasty with a bacon zing right in the middle.  They’re especially fantastic dipped in a bit of maple syrup.

"Don't knock it 'till you try it in full effect, this was terrible."

“Don’t knock it ’till you try it in full effect, this was terrible.”

So who doesn’t like Twinkies?

Oh really?  Yes, you in the back.  You may leave.  Anybody else here not like Twinkies?

Good.

Deep-fried Twinkies are amazing, and a great way to celebrate the return of the Twinkie.  They’re rich, and golden, and crunchy and creamy and sweet and everyone should try at least one during their lifetime.  Twinkies are good, bacon is good, deep-fried food is good.  It just makes sense that mixing all of the above would be amazing, right?

Not so much, it turns out.  Dip a strip of bacon in a glass of milk for a good idea of how it tastes.

So 2 out of 3’s not bad, and bacon wrapped in funnel cake and dipped in syrup is amazing stuff.

Bacon, funnel cake, maple syrup.  Beautiful.

Bacon, funnel cake, maple syrup. Beautiful.

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